


Scialytic

by joobhillygoatgruff



Category: GOT7, SHINee, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bottom Kim Namjoon | RM, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Top Kim Seokjin | Jin, i don't know how to tag things, mentions of an eating disorder, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-03-29 12:48:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13927455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joobhillygoatgruff/pseuds/joobhillygoatgruff
Summary: All Namjoon wants is love that stays.Everyone he's ever loved has left him.All he wants is someone that stays with him.For once.





	1. preamble;

scialytic: dispersing or dispelling shadows;

_

Namjoon's heart raced.

His heart so loud it was pounding in his ears.

He couldn't breathe.

He was choking on air.

He tried to stop it, clawing helplessly at his throat trying to open the slowly constricting airway.

He was in his bed.

Alone.

Jackson had left him.

For real this time.

He couldn't deal with Namjoon's insecurities.

He couldn't deal with Namjoon's doubts in their relationship.

It wasn't his fault he doubted everything around him; his doubts ran deeper than pessimism.

It was anxiety.

Anxiety had ripped everything from his person and never gave it back, stripping him bare.

He was always vulnerable.

Every time someone came into his life Namjoon would count the days until they left, certain that he'll drive them mad with his doubts.

Everyone had left.

He just wants someone to love him.

But everyone left.

Eventually.


	2. breathless;

gnawing; persistently worrying or distressing.  
_

Namjoon sighed as he scanned his bajillionth item from today.

Looking down as he engaged in small talk with the stranger trying to fill the awkward silence he sometimes had when he was working as a cashier at the local grocery store.

"That would be $15.60 ma'am," Namjoon said quietly not being confident in his voice.

"Pardon?" The woman replied not having heard Namjoon's words.

With a huff, Namjoon repeated louder this time but still apprehensive cringing at the forced raspy sound of his louder voice.

"$15.60, ma'am."

She heard this time.

She fiddled quickly through her wallet trying to find her money wanting to get away from the weird tall boy who was eerily quiet.

Once Namjoon put the money she gave him in and gave her change she was on her way and he finally relaxed slumping himself against the counter.

-

It wasn't until he heard a clearing of a throat that he realised he has zoned out and the man had stood there for a while waiting to be served.

"Oh sorry," Namjoon apologized softly not looking up once again; afraid of eye contact.

A low chuckle made his ears perk up and his face redden, he was suddenly embarrassed.

He couldn't help but want the man to laugh again.

His laugh was the most wonderful sound Namjoon had ever heard in his 19 years of life.

He had stopped serving the man, too busy being lost in his thoughts that were created by the males laugh that he almost missed the second obnoxious clearing of a throat of the day.

He looked up, his heart was thumping against his chest, this was the first person he was giving eye contact too since Jackson, and god was he beautiful.

Maybe the most handsome man he'd ever seen in his life.

Namjoon was frozen, locked in the beautiful man's intense gaze.

-

When he finally gathered the courage to look away he quickly fumbled with the man's items wanting to make him leave faster so he can be alone in his own thoughts after seeing such a man.

"Cash or card?" Namjoon asked softly, eyes widening when he saw the made pulling a shiny Black Card out of his wallet opting to do a quick and easy pay pass. 

It soon hit Namjoon that this man was filthy rich.

He could never, like GET THAT.

With that, he left grinning widely at Namjoon wishing him a lovely rest of day.

Namjoon's heart raced.

What a beautiful man.

-

He was now at home digging into his tasteless home-brand 2-minute noodles for dinner.

This was the life.

He scoffed at himself, this is how he had to live now that Jackson was gone. 

Gone was having someone cook decent meals for him, gone was someone caring for him and gone was him some-what caring for himself.

-

Whilst changing for bed his mind wandered to the man from earlier.

Before he could think too deeply Namjoon caught himself remembering his and Jackson's break-up that was just a week ago.

He sighed.

He quickly put his pyjama pants on feeling the familiar constriction of his throat coming out of nowhere.

His heart began to beat at an accelerated pace, thumping loudly in his ears.

His mind couldn't handle the painful thoughts so a painful anxiety attack would claim him every time his mind went to his ex.

He tried to calm himself walking stiffly to his bed.

His eyes were shut trying to block out all light so he could focus on calming himself.

He tried all he could but he couldn't stop the endless gnawing in his chest.

With ragged uneasy breaths and helpless gasps into the nothingness that was his room, Namjoon finally calmed himself.

His heart was still thumping, head still pounding, but he could breathe.

 

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeding people angsty bullshit is just that, bullshit.
> 
> But I'm doing it anyway because I'm dead on the inside.
> 
> Rest, eat and sleep well my lovelies.
> 
> Also, know that you are loved.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff


	3. helpless;

grief; intense sorrow.  
_

Jin was confused.

Why couldn't he get that tall boy from yesterday out of his mind?

In his whole 22 years of life, he'd never been so enchanted by someone at first glance.

Jin was good at keeping his cool, unlike the beautiful stranger who's sudden flush of skin caught him off guard. No one had ever reacted to him like that. 

He wasn't a flustered mess on the outside, but on the inside, his heart was going crazy.

He had to leave there and then as to not embarrass himself in front of the cute cashier.

After wishing him a lovely rest of day, nearly tripping over as he walked away from the other male as he was too busy looking at him and not where he was walking.

Thinking back to it Jin realised something strange, the boy kept his head down the whole time he was serving him. 

Jin brushed it off maybe he was just too embarrassed or something.

Although, Jin did enjoy it when the skin on the tall-boys face reached a peachy-red shade just from staring at him.

God those eyes.

They so were haunting.

So empty.

Jin wanted to fix it.

Make him feel something.

No.

He should stop, he didn't know this boy why was his mind was starting to formulate plans to save him.

He had his own issues to worry about.

The crippling loneliness, he felt every night was enough for him as is, he often laid awake with no warmth next to him just an empty space, sometimes he wept to himself as he tried to coax himself into a peaceful sleep trying to chase bad thoughts away from his mind but it never really worked.

He had never felt the love of someone, though people around him described it to him and he yearned to feel the things they described, being sheltered when he was growing up meant he lacked the social skills to make friends that weren't set up by someone or forced onto him which stopped him from ever being confident enough in finding a worthy companion, not knowing where to begin looking.

Though his parents put him through a lot of unnecessary pain he thanked them for forcing him to hang out with Jimin, a young boy who he was forced to grow up with as both their parents were business partners making him have to spend hours on end with the bubbly boy who never stopped talking but had grown into his best and only friend.

-

Namjoon had gone to work every day for a week and it hurt to say it but it was killing him, apart from being physically exhausted from working 12-hour shifts where he had to greet, serve and help customers and the mental pain in his head that wouldn't go away. 

His brain throbbed from the endless thoughts that racked his mind.

He questioned everything and everyone never knowing their real intentions, he was sensitive.

People have fucked him over before and he wasn't gonna let it happen again.

Yeah right, he thought, that's what I always say, but I'm always left with a broken heart.

He was currently in bed doing the shameful act of checking his ex's Instagram for the hundredth time this week, it had been almost 2 weeks since they had broken up and Namjoon had never missed anyone more in his life, loneliness hacked away at his soul day in day out and he hated it.

He wasn't gonna pretend his eyes didn't still well up in tears when he saw Jackson's stupid smile in the many photos he had of him on his phone.

He wasn't gonna pretend there isn't still a painful tug in his heart at the thought of his ex. 

It had only been two weeks since he'd had his heart ripped out of his chest. 

Cut him some slack.

_

Namjoon contemplated life, snuggled in his blankets, in his bed, for a while, his non-existent goals reminded him that he was just a shell barely surviving, waking up every day in hopes Jackson will realise he truly loved Namjoon and acquired had the strength to love for both of them, as he knew Namjoon struggled with himself.

NO!

Namjoon shook himself out of it, he couldn't put himself through this vicious cycle he had with his ex before Jackson. He was so so broken then. Not like now when there's still a little flicker of light in him. 

Before he was broken beyond repair, or so he thought, till Jackson came into his life out of nowhere and turned his life around saving him from almost ending it all.

That's why Namjoon valued Jackson so much, the handsome foreigner had given him purpose and effectively breathed life back into his deflated lungs. 

It was beautiful for a while until Namjoon let his guard down and started openly telling his boyfriend how he really felt about himself.

At first, Jackson was shocked and tried his best to convince him otherwise, tried to make him feel worthy again but Namjoon wouldn't listen and Jackson got fed up and left.

He was alone again.

He was wasting away again.

_

Deciding it was time for a change he gathered all his courage and got out of bed, he had already showered so all he had to do was get dressed and mentally prepare himself for what he was about to do. 

Once fully dressed he took a moment before he stood in the mirror scared of what he was going to see. He had never really liked his appearance and always wanted to do something to change it but his endless attempts to fix it did more harm than good and his past boyfriends always commented on how thin he was not knowing that those comments, comments that were brushed off like they were nothing, kept him up at night.

Namjoon ruffled his hair and let out a breath counting down from ten, on zero he was to rush out the apartment before he changed his mind and threw himself back into bed.

_

Jin was hesitantly getting ready, Jimin was dragging him to another gay bar, another chance for him to choke on his words and embarrass himself in front of yet another stranger. 

Jimin had said it was time for him to let loose and try let go of whatever was holding him back from trying to find someone to share his life with, though his idea was endearing, he never once stopped to ask Jin how he felt when he was constantly dragged to places where "normal people' clicked with other people.

Jimin for one knew Jin wasn't normal.

Judging by the number of times Jimin had to cut into time with his own boyfriend to hold Jin and lull him to a restless sleep so he could get just a few hours to power him through the next day, Jimin knew Jin was lonely and was doing all he can to help his problem, he was thankful for that, Jin didn't want to lose his only friend so he allowed him to drag him to all these places, just to make Jimin happy.

He was now fully dressed in his burgundy dress shirt and pressed black slacks with a wallet chain hanging from them for an extra edge, paired with his black dress-shoes trying to psyche himself up, Jimin was on his way and he had to prepare himself for what the night held for him.

The doorbell went off, shaking Jin out his trance, he picked his jacket up and walked to the door, the air was knocked out of his body when he was enveloped in a warm hug from the one and only Jimin. 

His boyfriend, Taemin, watched the encounter from the car smiling to himself. Jimin really loved Jin and only wanted the best for him. Though Jimin spent a lot of time with Jin, he trusted them both and their overly touchy friendship was never an issue because he knew he could give Jimin something Jin can't in his current state of mind;

Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you think Namjoon is or isn't in the right state of mind to be with someone right now?Why?
> 
> Rest, eat and sleep well.
> 
> Know you are loved.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff.


	4. fearless;

courage; the ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.  
_

Namjoon was in an Uber to some bar Jackson had mentioned to him before.

When they were dating he constantly tried to pull Namjoon out his shell soon realising a short time after they had been dating that Namjoon had no friends so he took him out to go find some.

It worked to some degree but Namjoon always fell back on his insecurities and used them as a reason as to why he wasn't adequate enough for people and soon he found himself alone again.

He knew he needed to stop thinking so negatively but that's just how he's always been ever since high school all his tormentor's words were stuck in his head on a constant loop, never leaving his head.

To say coming out to everyone was the best decision he'd ever made would be a lie, though liberating he still had major setbacks, he lost ALL of his friends and managed to tear his already broken family apart. Sometimes he wished he could go back to before, he could go back to before he decided to tell people the truth about himself.

At this point in time if he were to ask himself whether it was a good idea to come out he'd hysterically laugh in his own face and tell his young innocent self to hold on it would get better, keeping your secret will save your life.

_

He was so lost in his thoughts that he only realised until his Uber driver called his name out that they had arrived at the bar, and the driver had been waiting patiently for a while but Namjoon was taking his sweet ass time doing whatever he was doing in the back of the car.

After picking his leather jacket up from next to him and stepping out of the car and bidding the driver goodnight he set off to the bar.

The walk was brisk and sent him stepping into the eloquently decorated building after nearly ten steps and hightailing his way to the bar wanting a shot of vodka to wake his dead mind up.

He knew he'd the liquor courage to go through with his plan of taking someone home.

Yes, Namjoon knew his plan would do him more bad than good but he craved intimacy and he would do anything he could to get, this way the loneliness that made his stomach churn would stop, at least for a while.

His shot was now running down his throat to his empty stomach, while he drank he could feel the eyes of some guy next to him. They burned into his skin like they were trying to figure him out in just one glance, Namjoon was uncomfortable, to say the least, not used to strangers eyes on him.

Already? Namjoon thought looks like I'm was gonna need to bring chatty Namjoon out quicker than I anticipated.

"Hello." A baritone voice that he didn't expect to come out of such a man.

"Hi." Namjoon squeaked out caught off guard by the whole situation.

"What's got a fine piece of ass like you moping around in a bar at 1 am?"

Namjoon was caught off guard for the second time in the space of 5 minutes.

But he pushed his thoughts away realising the stranger seemed genuinely concerned which made Namjoon's heart skip a beat and his palms feel clammy.

"Break up," Namjoon said back in his soft raspy voice not having had a casual conversation with someone in quite some time.

"Ah." He replied Namjoon could hear the smile in his voice even though he wasn't looking, afraid of what he would see if he took a peak.

He hated eye contact.

"I'm Taehyung, by the way." The other man watched carefully, wanting to get some sort of reaction from Namjoon that wasn't a shrug or grunt.

Taking a deep breath in and out he mustered enough courage to glance to his right where the stranger was sitting and his breath was suddenly caught in his throat.

How many beautiful people was he expected to meet in his lifetime?

Because at this point he was getting sick of it, each of them reminded him of his painful insecurities that haunted him.

-

Taemin's music was extremely loud, the clearly adjusted bass booming so loud Jin's teeth were chattering with every beat that dropped, the music was also too loud causing a ringing to slowly form in his ears.

They were listening to some Block B song, his best guess at the song title was 'Shall we dance' as that phrase was being said repeatedly in the song it was becoming rather annoying.

Contrary to Jimin's beliefs the music wasn't really wasn't really hyping him up, rather it was irritating him but he didn't have the heart to stop Jimin and Taemin's cheery sing-a-long.

He wiped his sweaty palms on his trousers for the millionth time that car ride, he was extremely nervous and he didn't know why.

Something in his mind told him that today would be an important day. 

_

They were now in the car park of the bar and he had to take a few seconds to calm his accelerated heartbeat and wipe his sweaty shaking hands on his pants, trying to get the uncomfortable feeling of nervousness to go away.

Jimin and Taemin waited patiently in the front two seats of the car knowing it was always difficult for Jin to gather enough courage to actually step out of the car and enter the bars they dragged him to.

After opening the car door and just about running to the door Jin accidentally swung the door open alerting the other men inside the bar.

Jin heard a loud whistle resound through the bar coming from the counter where he saw two males sat, staring directly at him.

One was in the corner slightly hidden from view but the other smiled proudly and beckoned him over eager to gain another friend.

Jin blushed bright red and tried to stand with Jimin who pushed him forward so he stumbled towards the quaint little bar landing awkwardly in front of a stool between the two men. 

"H-hi." He was so nervous and it didn't help that the man he could see illuminated by poor lighting in the bar was rather handsome. Making him feel giddy at the attention being given to him.

"I'm Taehyung." 

Jin nodded in acknowledgement of what he said unsure of what he should reply with. Not trusting a stranger who he only knew the name of with his own name.

He stepped forward and moved the stool back so there could be space for him to sit between the two men.

"Jack on the rocks, please," Jin said to the bartender he'd need some kind of alcohol to get him through this night.

He could feel the gaze of the man on his left burning into his skin but he didn't say anything opting to engage in small talk with Taehyung.

When Jin had enough of being stared at he turned to his left and was shocked to see his grocery boy looking right at him.

My grocery boy. What am I on? Jin thought to himself.

It's true that the mysterious cashier had been on his mind for quite some time but he had tried to push his feelings into the back of his mind, believing the chances of meeting him again were close to nil, but here he was, in all his purple hair glory looking as gorgeous as ever.

Jin tried to act calm and fazed as he spoke his real words to the man from the grocery store, realising he had no name to match the pretty face.

It was now or never. 

_

Namjoon's breath caught in his throat when he heard that chuckle. It was that beautiful man from the grocery store.

He turned and looked Namjoon in the eye and he was stuck frozen by his beauty. 

Again.

"I'm Jin, and you are?" the man said smiling widely not looking fazed by the panicked look etched on Namjoon's face.

Namjoon hadn't realised the hand that was raised in front of him waiting for him to shake it.

He hesitantly brought his trembling hand forward and slipped it into the other man's hand which gripped his tightly. 

Almost too tightly.

This was the first sign of tension from the other man, which relieved him as he now knew that he wasn't the only one affected by whatever was going on between them.

_

Jin tried not to act too affected by his touch but the way his breath faltered and he gasped he knew he had been caught.

Jin smiled at that, the grocery store boy was here, his warm and slightly clammy hand was still encased by his grasp and for the first time, he felt anchored.

For the first time, he felt.

 

Safe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may be grammatical errors or something, please tell me if you see them.
> 
> So Yeah I'm veering away from my usual angst to slight fluff.
> 
> Keyword, slight.
> 
> Also, I know Namjoon is 19 but here in Australia he's legal so that's what I'm basing it off of, they aren't actually in Australia though.
> 
> Do you think Jin's "confident" approach to Namjoon will cause him problems in the future? Why?
> 
> Rest (even though I'm posting this at 12:30 am and I have school tomorrow.)
> 
> Know you are loved and eat well.
> 
> Don't forget to stay hydrated kids!
> 
> Love Joobhillygoat gruff


	5. hopeless;

pleasure; a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment.

_

Namjoon's body was trembling.

How did he end up here?

Fumbling to get his key out of his pocket at 3 am in the morning with the man who he learnt only 2 hours ago was Jin, he gasped as he felt lips attached to his neck. Taking him to places he'd never been before.

He struggled to get it open but when he finally did he was pushed in and against the door with a painful desperation. 

Namjoon's breath faltered.

The other man stared at him to see any hesitation in Namjoon wanting to make sure they were both comfortable with what they were about to do. When he stared long and hard enough he and saw the lust swirling in Namjoon's eyes he deemed it the right time to continue.

Jin placed his lips tightly on Namjoon's making the younger male melt into the hottest kiss he'd ever had. Namjoon opened his mouth to take a breath and Jin slipped his tongue against Namjoon's wanting to taste the younger males sweet, hot mouth, after a while and Jin released a loud groan as the wet muscle brushed with a luscious fluidity over his own making the other males eye's roll to the back of his head in pleasure.

They pulled away to breathe and Jin brought his hands up to touch Namjoon.

"Can I- can I touch you?"

From Jin's observations of Namjoon earlier in the bar. He could tell that the pastel haired boy wasn't comfortable with himself so he treated him the way he would want to be treated if he was in his position.

"Yes," Namjoon whispered back, his mind was on fire.

Where the hell did this man come from?

He'd had many pointless hookups and none of them had ever treated him like this.

No one had ever treated him like they cared.

-

Jin's hands settled on the small of Namjoon's back rubbing the skin there whilst dipping his head back into another tantalising kiss. His eager hands made use of the body they were given permission to touch, sliding his fingers from his back to the soft taunt skin of Namjoon's abdomen feeling him tremble softly.

Hearing the other man mewl at his cold touch made Jin's self-control slip. He kissed him for the 3rd time that night with an unmistakable fervour that rocked Namjoon's world.

Jin's trembling fingers shakily unbuttoned Namjoon's shirt leaving a trail of kisses on the hot skin he slowly exposed. Namjoon's erotic moans were music to his ears, encouraging him to go further and further, soon enough he found himself on his knees in front of Namjoon's jean-clad legs running his hands up and down his quivering thighs.

"Can I?" Jin asked with more confidence now not even looking at Namjoon, rather he had his eyes on another prize. He smiled to himself when he saw Namjoon's member twitch at the sight of Jin on his knees.

Jin looked up to see the pastel haired man's shaky nod and took that as his cue. His fingers reached out to unbutton his tight jeans that held the younger males aching member. Jin helped him out of his jeans and resumed his first position, on his knees staring at the clothed shaft through Namjoon's underwear. 

After a moment of silence to calm his beating heart, he took a deep breath before applying a soft kiss to the leaking head through the fabric.

Namjoon shuddered.

Jin smiled to himself and continued kissing down the shaft loving the way he reacted to his hot mouth.

Deciding to stop teasing him Jin slid Namjoon's boxers off his body and took a breath before slowly swallowing the generously-sized cock whole. Not giving Namjoon time to ease into the feeling of a mouth around his shaft after quite some time.

Namjoon let out a loud groan not expecting the sudden assault on his aching shaft. His knees buckled when he felt Jin hum in approval around his member. He was in heaven.

Jin slowly slid off the member deciding to take his time lapping at the leaking head. Loving the taste of Namjoon's essence on his tongue. 

-

Namjoon was losing his cool staring down at Jin who was giving him the best head of his life.

It all ended too soon as the dark haired man released Namjoon's dick from his mouth with a pop, the younger male let out a disappointed groan at the loss of Jin's warm mouth on his leaking cock but his thoughts wandered to dirty places and he was soon yearning for something else entirely different.

It took Namjoon a few moments to recoupe and realise Jin had walked away from him and was stripping down to his barest form whilst opening doors around the apartment trying to find his bedroom.

When Namjoon entered the room his gaze met the dark-haired man who was lying peacefully on his bed like he had been there many times before.

Namjoon's breath hitched at the sight of him completely unclothed wearing nothing but his vibrant pink pair of socks as he waited patiently for the younger man.

"Come here," Jin said wanting Namjoon more than anything he'd ever wanted in his whole life. Thoughts of his many lonely nights slipped from his mind as he reached his hand out and slipped it into Namjoon's pulling their naked bodies flush against each other. 

Jin had never dreamed that he would be in this position with a man he's only met twice but he couldn't fight the attraction coursing through both men. Jin couldn't deny himself any longer.

He yearned for Namjoon.

He ached for Namjoon.

_

Namjoon straddled Jin and shuddered when he felt the dark-haired males warm cock touch his own, his hips rolled fluidly wanting to feel more and more pleasure but he was stopped by Jin's hard grip on his hips.

Namjoon was floored.

All he wanted was sweet release and Jin was taking his time. He was getting frustrated with Jin's pace he almost screamed at him to fuck him but was stopped as he was soon flipped over and his scream became an embarrassing yelp.

He was now laying on his bed with Jin hovering above him drinking in his erotic look. 

Namjoon tried to speak but the words couldn't leave his lips as Jin's stare was driving him crazy.

Jin lowered his body till he was kneeling on the edge of the bed and pulled Namjoon forward by his legs. Namjoon spread his legs wide, leaving him exposed for Jin's use.

Jin slid his hand up and down Namjoon's shaft pumping him to a state of desperation.

He wanted him to beg for what he wanted.

Grabbing the lube he had found whilst digging through Namjoon's drawers whilst he waiting for him to come to him, he squirted a generous amount onto his fingers wanting to make this as comfortable for younger male as possible. 

After circling the twitching hole for good measure loving the moans falling from Namjoon's lips, Jin eased his finger into Namjoon, the wince and tension in his body were not missed. Deciding to do something to distract Namjoon from the pain he grabbed his cock and pumped quickly soon finding a comfortable grip and speed that left Namjoon nearly falling apart.

A while later he felt Namjoon's hole loosening, he squirted more lube onto his fingers not wanting to feel any more pain than necessary. Adding the second finger was easier than the first after a few pumps Jin started to curl his fingers and try to find the bundle of nerves that would make the younger male fall apart.

Namjoon was now loosening rather quickly and soon Jin was able to comfortably fuck him with three fingers. The pastel-haired male's body trembled and incoherent noises tumbled from his lips, nothing had ever felt so good.

When Jin had decided Namjoon was ready for him he got up from where he was kneeling and ripped the condom he had found next to the lube in the drawer and slipped it on, he grabbed more lube coating his sheathed member generously. He held the head of his cock on Namjoon's hole for a few seconds just wanting to enjoy the moment.

Jin slipped his head in groaning loudly as he felt the warmth of Namjoon's channel envelop his cock, as he worked his length slowly into Namjoon he stared into his eyes not wanting to miss his pleasure riddled facial expressions that drove him wild.

A few pumps later they eased themselves into a slow rhythm, with Namjoon's knees held up to his chest allowing Jin's shaft to go deeper than he had ever thought possible. Namjoon's moans got louder and louder as his spot was hit with every stroke of Jin's hips making him thrash at the amount of pleasure he was being given.

Jin couldn't handle it anymore, the feeling Namjoon's tight heat was too much he found himself bottoming out, his strokes became short and fast his body chasing release.

Namjoon was in tears underneath him, he'd never been fucked with so much vigour before and he was loving it. Every stroke was deep and hit him so good it hurt.

"Fuck!" Jin was close now, and he could tell by Namjoon's clenching that he was reaching his end too. Jin took it upon himself to grab Namjoon's hands and lace their fingers together creating a bubble of intimacy between the two males.

After 3 languid strokes that hit his prostate, every single part Namjoon fell apart he was jerked wildly and screamed loudly the pleasure being too much for him to handle, his hole spasmed tightly around Jin's cock triggering his orgasm.

Jin moaned loudly as his body was swept into a trembling fit of pleasure and desire that left him thrusting sloppily in and out of Namjoon, he'd never felt so good in his entire life and he never wanted the pleasure to stop.

Taking a moment to calm themselves, Jin still lodged very deep inside Namjoon's trembling body making him never wanting to leave the tight warm cavern.

Jin slowly slipped out of his heat groaning at the feeling of cool air on his spent member. 

He walked to the connected bathroom and grabbed the only washcloth he could see after dampening it with warm water he walked over to Namjoon who was still twitching and trembling in bed and wiped the sticky essence off of his skin gently, when he was done he threw it into some laundry bin he had seen when he first gave the room a once-over, not forgetting to slip his condom off and chucked it into the bin that was next to Namjoon's bed.

He climbed onto the bed and pulled a tired looking Namjoon to his chest just wanting to feel close after an earth-shattering session of lovemaking. 

Jin lost himself in his thoughts and realised something wonderful.

For the first time, he wasn't 

lonely.

For the first time, he felt at

home.

_

Namjoon was on top of the world, his mind still on fire and his body still trembling from the powerful orgasm caused by their intense lovemaking.

He was snuggled against Jin's warm body loving the feeling of his hands caressing his flushed skin trying to lull him into a peaceful sleep.

He felt satisfied.

He felt sated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was that. I know them fucking came out of absolutely nowhere I'm really sorry.
> 
> I wanted to put a warning at the begging but I'm sure if you have made it this far you've read your fair share of smut in your life.
> 
> Also, this is the first time I've ever written smut so tell me how I did.
> 
> I can't really come up with a chapter question because even though we were in their heads for a few moments they were wrapped up doing their own shit so it rather not stop them.
> 
> You guys can ask me questions about the book or myself instead.
> 
> It's 12:40 am and I need sleep, so good morrow to you all.
> 
> Eat well, sleep and stay safe my pretties.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff


	6. useless;

night terrors; feelings of great fear experienced on suddenly waking in the night.

_

Jin woke to a crying and trashing Namjoon. His first thought was to hold the younger man till the nightmare passed, so he did just that, whispering sweet nothing's in his ears whilst stroking his long fingers through Namjoon's soft purple tresses.

"No!"

"D-da-dad, please don't touch mum?!"

Namjoon was shouting out loud his voice laced with unmistakable fear.

"It's me you want."

"I-I-I'm the fag."

Jin's held Namjoon's rigid and tense body through the ordeal, gone were the sweet nothing's into his ear now he was shouting, trying to wake him up, this was almost too painful for him to watch.

He just kept at it trying to be the best support he can because he cared, at this point, it was scaring him because after such a short time he'd embraced the tall boy from the grocery store and fallen more and more for him the longer they spent with each other.

Jin knew he cared.

He _cared_ a little _too much._

_

Namjoon thrashed about in Jin's arms some more till it dawned on him mid-nightmare that what he was experiencing in his dream wasn't real he was free from that now.

He was free.

So, why did his heart feel so _trapped?_

He woke with a start.

His heart racing wildly, mind playing snippets of the awful dream that had racked through his body moments before.

It took him a while to resurface but when he was finally awake his mind registered Jin's body on his, he was cuddled up to him and Jin was stroking through his now damp hair trying to calm him.

He was horrified, Jin had seen him at his worst, to his horror thoughts of Jin seeing him in his most vulnerable state led him to be enraptured into a full-blown panic attack.

The usual constriction in his throat was worse than normal, his memories of his past still fresh in his mind, he felt as if there was a vice grip on his throat, he felt the ghost of his father's fingers wrapped tightly around his throat strangling him.

"Get out!" Namjoon shouted unable to get more than a few words to fall from his lips.

The feeling of the grip only got tighter and soon he was close to passing out.

"Namjoon." Jin tried to snap him out of his panic but the younger male wouldn't stop. Tears filled Jin's eyes at the sight of Namjoon in such a broken, fragile state.

"Joonie, please." Jin held him close, he was now sobbing into Namjoon's chest unsure of what to do but stay close to the broken man.

"Get out!" Namjoon had now calmed down considerably and though his body was shaking and he was weeping onto Jin's shoulder he wanted to push him away.

He wanted to save him from something so broken and unmendable.

He wanted to _save_ Jin from _himself._

_

Jin tried as hard as he could to stay and take care of Namjoon but he was respectful and honoured the younger males request. When he had stayed long enough for the younger male to fall back to sleep, slipping himself out of the bed they had both spent a wonderful night exploring each other's bodies in, tucking the sleeping Namjoon into bed so he was comfortable.

He walked out the bedroom door and picked up the clothes they had thrown off in their moments of passion.

Slipping his trousers and buttoning his shirt up with trembling fingers, Jin tried to ignore the hot tears that spilt from his eyes and rolled quickly down his face but soon he was swept by a wave of unmistakeable sadness, he was glad he'd redressed near the couch, he threw his body down onto the soft leather material and let out all the pain that had built up in him over the years.

The tears kept coming and the ugly sobs that tore out from him were loud enough for anyone who lived next door to hear but he couldn't care less. All the memories from when he was young and afraid of coming out were coming back to him and he struggled to calm himself down.

He laid on the couch for quite sometime after he had finished crying just laying there, feeling refreshed after his long cry.

He picked himself up, put his jacket on, and tried to find a piece of paper, when he'd found the paper he grabbed a pen from the tub he'd seen on Namjoon's desk and wrote a small note thanking him for giving the best night of his life and wishing him all the best.

He left the note and pen on the desk, walking briskly to the door not wanting to be encroaching in a strangers house so he grabbed his shoes from next to the door, opened it and walking out.

He was out of Namjoon's life now, as much as it hurt he had to respect the beautiful stranger who had widdled his way into his heart.

After all, that's all they were to each other.

Strangers.

_

When Namjoon woke up, it was the afternoon and the blaring light from his open curtains shined through his room blinding him.

He thought about what he had experienced in the last 24 hours.

Though it hurt, it had to be done.

 

Jin was now gone from his life, Namjoon had forced him out, too scared to have his heart broken.

His heart hurt from what he had done but he knew it was for the best, he was destined to be alone.

It had _always_ been that way.

 

It won't stop _now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was quite a contrast to what happened in the last chapter.
> 
> Do you think Namjoon closing off on Jin is justifiable? Why or Why not?
> 
> Story Time:
> 
> My lesbian ass self went to Woolsworth today and I saw this boi I like/d and we had eye contact for like 10 seconds then I looked away but I felt his eyes still on me, too bad I was walking out even though I'm pretty sure he saw me enter but he was talking to some girl, idk. The thing that made me want to roar with laughter was the fact that king by years and years was playing in the background, it being one of my favourite gay anthems just made the situation worse. I came home and told my friend and she said "this is why I think you're only 88.9% lesbian, this and Yoongi's hands. I wheezed so hard when I read her reply that my dad who was sitting next to me asked what I was doing, I squeaked in reply and continued on with my little gay life.
> 
> _
> 
>  
> 
> Have a good day and night, eat and sleep well.
> 
> Know you are loved.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff


	7. worthless;

despair; the complete loss or absence of hope.

_

Namjoon felt empty.

It had been months since he'd last seen Jin, he'd spent all that time alone, drowning in his negative thoughts, unable to get them out of his mind.

He'd often spend his nights tossing and turning trying to sleep but all he could see when he closed his eyes was Jin.

After Jin left his life had been a rollercoaster of constant anxiety attacks, many long shifts that left him with physical and mental exhaustion and unhealthy eating habits.

Namjoon had lost a considerable about of weight since he'd last seen Jin, his once healthy lanky body had shrunk into itself, he had become extremely thin and his skin had so become pale that when he felt urged to release the pain bubbling in his head the scars that were left were bright red and unable to be unseen.

-

Namjoon was near the end of his shift, his exhaustion evident to anyone who saw him.

Sleep was what he wanted and needed but his body thought otherwise forcing him to indulge so much that he passed out from too much drinking.

He constantly eyed his watch, seeing if he could still go to the bottle shop next to the grocery store before it closed.

He had gotten into the habit of getting drunk out of his mind after work so he could run from his thoughts, too bad he was a sad drunk so drinking made him feel worse but he continued anyway as the warm buzz he felt when he was floating in and out if consciousness calmed him, till the sun came up and he had to deal with the consequences from his excessive drinking as well as his depressive thoughts.

-

Jin had become closed off, no longer laughing at Jimin's unfunny jokes, no longer spending any time doing things he enjoyed, he took to immersing himself fully in his work often falling asleep at his desk.

Life had become a strenuous chore.

He had stopped sleeping in his bed completely, memories from his and Namjoon's night so fresh even after many months. The love and passion they had shared that night had been ripped from him and he'd never felt more alone.

He remembered the first night he tried to sleep in his bed, the feeling of loneliness hit him so hard that he grabbed his phone with shaky hands and teary eyes, called Jimin and asked him to come help him, apologising profusely for taking him from Taemin but he needed someone.

So Jimin came, and held him through his breakdown, telling him it would be ok. 

But Jin knew it wouldn't be ok.

His heart had been wrenched out of his chest by Namjoon.

He'd left his beating and spluttering heart at Namjoon's apartment and he had no way of getting it back without breaking his promise with the purple-haired man, his promise to stay away.

_

Namjoon felt for the little note in his pocket that he took everywhere.

It had considerably faded with his tears and drops of alcohol that hit it but he had kept it, he'd often fall asleep with it pressed to his chest next to his heartbeat, it was the only piece of Jin he had left and even though he had read it countless times he couldn't stop the emotions that flowed through him from reading it.

_

Thank you for the best night of my life.

We could've been something.

We can still be something.

When you're ready, come find me.

Love, Jin

_

Jin got up from his desk deciding it was time for a break.

He needed to get some things for his house but the nearest grocery store was where Namjoon worked. So he collected himself grabbing his coat, keys and phone, he had a feeling that what would usually be a random trip to the store could be something more but he pushed that thought to the back of his mind deciding to just get on with it.

On the drive to the store, Jin tapped nervously on his knee with the hand that wasn't on the steering wheel, unsure of what to think or feel, he was driving to somewhere where he knew he had a chance to see the boy he had stupidly fallen for, even though he knew little to nothing about him. 

He could do nothing about what his heart and body felt.

The heart wants what it wants.

And Jin wanted Namjoon. 

_

Jin saw him stumbling past his car, at first, he was unsure of what he was seeing and wondered if it was just his mind playing tricks on him, but when he saw a sliver of colour from the front of the youngers hoodie his suspicions were confirmed.

After months of not seeing the other male, he could see from the way his clothes fit that he had lost weight, too much weight. His hair had faded and was now a mess on the top of his head, the purple turned grey was a symbolic representation of what he had become.

Jin was still in the middle of the road, unaware of the cars lining up behind him, he was lost in a trance, thankfully the boy had stopped walking deciding to sit down on the sidewalk and take a swig. 

So he veered himself into a parking spot near where Namjoon was sitting and got out of his car, fingers shaking, ready to bolt but he knew he needed this, he knew they needed this.

-

Namjoon heard footsteps coming towards him but he paid them no mind as he glugged down more and more wine.

When the stranger sat next to him and stared he still paid them no mind, enjoying the buzzing feeling flowing through his veins, it was until the person cleared their throat that he glanced to his right and his heart stopped.

It was Jin, he was the stranger.

"What are you doing here?" Namjoon slurred, becoming panicked at the sight of the man who had become the only thing he thought about. 

"I'm here to talk, I'm done feeling like shit because you think you aren't good enough," Jin replied, feeling like he needed to get everything off of his chest before Namjoon pushed him away once again.

"Don't you get it?"

"You need me, we both know it." 

"So stop this- stop pushing me away, you're only breaking yourself more and more and soon not even I will be able to save you." Jin's eyes became teary at the thought of Namjoon being so broken that he won't be able to be put back together, so broken that he would not be able to feel but just exist.

"Jin, you don't know what you're talking about," Namjoon was now agitated, Jin wasn't getting the message, he needed to stay away before Namjoon hurt him.

I'm fine!"

Jin got closer, Namjoon was trembling, and his eyes were filling with tears, the wine bottle he'd placed next to him had been long forgotten.

_

Taking the first step Jin wrapped his arms around Namjoon's weak shoulders ignoring the sharp bones he felt jutting into his them.

Namjoon couldn't resist Jin's warmth and moved closer to him practically sitting on his lap, pressing his face into his chest and crying his heart out, the throbbing in his head was slowly dissipating as each tear fell from his eyes, Jin's cologne calmed him and the feeling of being safe flooded his senses making him feel at home.

Once Namjoon had calmed down he was snotty nosed and red-eyed but he didn't care, he looked into Jin's eyes and just took him in, he had come into his life for one night and flipped it the right side up and all he'd done in return was push him away.

Namjoon didn't deserve him.

He didn't deserve this.

"Are you- are you sure you want me becau-." 

 

"It doesn't matter," Jin cut in holding Namjoon's head in his hands and stroking his hair and just holding him close, wanting to feel more and more of him.

"I know you're broken," Jin said, looking him back in the eyes, not breaking contact wanting Namjoon to know how serious he was.

Namjoon stilled, unsure of how to respond to Jin's words.

"Let me fix you."

Namjoon's breath caught in his throat, he opened his now teary eyes and looked at Jin.

"Let me care for you."

"O-Ok." 

Namjoon had given in, there was no going back now.

He now had someone to care for him.

Someone to love him.

And someone to save him from himself.

_

It was then when the two men felt the emotion swarming in and around them that they both broke down in each other's arms realising the pain they both caused each other.

They now knew they both cared.

They now knew they were both in too deep to tear apart what they had.

They both knew they were in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be the last chapter before the epilogue.
> 
> Thank you to all the lovely people that wished me well.
> 
> Have a good day/night.
> 
> I love you!
> 
> Joobhillygoatgruff


	8. addendum;

love; a strong feeling of affection.

_

Namjoon stared lovingly at his boyfriend of 5 years. 

Jin was sat across from him staring back.

They did this often, deciding to spend time in each others presence, soaking in their love before bed.

What had started as an exercise to get Namjoon to appreciate himself more became their favourite part of the day, they would often find themselves sat in front of each other, passing compliments back and forth and blushing at what the other said. 

It was heaven on earth.

Through Jin's love and support, Namjoon had become someone he never thought he could be.

Since that moment on the sidewalk, Jin had shown him how to love and care himself, as well as how to love and care for others.

It may have taken quite some time for him to recover but it was worth it.

_

Jin admired his boyfriend.

He had come a long way and he was extremely proud of him.

Jin had held him through many panic and anxiety attacks, helped him try to find something he loved to do and make a career out of it and most of all loved him like no one else had ever had. 

Past thoughts of loneliness left Jin as soon as he and Namjoon laid in bed together on that same night where he found him on the sidewalk. 

Though it was a foreign feeling to be finally fulfilled Jin welcomed it with open arms and held it tight not wanting to have it wrenched from his person once again.

Jin put Namjoon together piece by piece, their undying love for one another being the glue that held them together.

_

"I love you." Namjoon uttered, blushing as the three words fell from his lips, though he had said those words way more times than he could count it still felt like the first time they had said it to one another.

Jin smiled wide in reply, now standing and walking to his boyfriend who was sat on the other couch.

"I love you too, Joonie." 

Namjoon's light blush was gone what was replaced was a fully red face.

Jin chuckled.

He was now sat next to Namjoon, they had both moved so they were facing one another sitting cross-legged. 

"I love you more than anything."

Namjoon moved closer, his eyes brimming with tears of joy.

What did he do to deserve someone so perfect?

"I"

*Peck*

"Love"

*Peck*

"You"

*Peck*

Jin made him blush even more with his childish antics.

_

When Jin brought his lips closer for another kiss Namjoon couldn't resist snaking his tongue into his boyfriend's mouth moaning at the feeling of the wet muscle on his, his plump lips moving against his making his heart skip a beat.

Jin pulled away and stared deep into Namjoon's eyes wanting to see the love he had for the younger male reflected back at him.

After years of suffering, he finally had someone to call his, someone to hold close at night, someone to take the loneliness that used to claw at his stomach away.

_

Namjoon stared back, the man in front of him had single-handedly saved his life. 

He could say it now, he could truly say he loved someone.

And that someone was Jin.

-

Their hearts soared.

Though the beginning of their relationship was a sordid affair, their love bloomed into something wonderful, something none of their insecurities could break.

Their love was pure, strengthening and patient.

Their love lurked on them even in the dark reminding them of how far they've come.

-

Their love was scialytic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so ajakjsjd.
> 
> Thank you for reading this.
> 
> I'm actually sad that this is the end for them.
> 
> Even though in reality it's been a week, I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster.
> 
> Again thank you for reading this.
> 
> Comment your thoughts on this story below, I want to see how different people viewed it.
> 
> I love you guys so so much!
> 
> Have a lovely day/night!
> 
> Eat well and sleep well.
> 
> Bye, my lovelies.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm currently screaming into a pillow because my heart hurts from writing this.
> 
> Be safe, eat well, sleep well and know that you are loved.
> 
> Remember, if something is troubling you, tell someone.
> 
> Love Joobhillygoatgruff


End file.
